Of Squid and Really Nasty Things
by Anyin
Summary: FUNNY


A/N: Hello, my name is Ashlie... and this fic was a multi-project involving 5 Harry Potter fans who had not gotten much sleep. This is a result of a lot of sugar and many creative minds. Very, creative minds. Very, very disturbing creative minds. * note that i did not think of the "molesting" part, that was Emily. This is a spoof of all the funny movies/stories and any other $@&* we could pull from. Mainly Monty Python. If you are easily scared, we sudgest that you turn back now. If not, we hope you enjoy!  
:::evil laughing in the background::  
  
  
Of Squid, and Very Nasty Things  
By: Ashlie, Kimberly, Mary, Emily, and Amanda  
  
As everyone was getting ready for the big feast at the beginning of their fifth year, nobody noticed a giant duck sitting out in the middle of the big lake, on Hogwarts grounds. The only one who noticed was Hagrid, the gamekeeper, because Hagrid received an owl from the giant squid. And the giant squid wrote to Hagrid of how he was being attacked by a homicidal duck.   
  
Hagrid became very concerned, and the only ones who would take him seriously were Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Albus Dumbledore. So instead of joining the others at the great hall, Hagrid called for Harry, his friends and Dumbledore.   
  
Harry asked Hagrid, "Why aren't you eating dinner with the rest of us, Hagrid?"   
  
"I just received a letter from the Giant Squid. He is very upset because someone put a giant duck in his home," he responded.  
  
"It just ain't fair," Hagrid quoted from the letter. "And then, when the duck isn't trying to attack me, it's also trying to molest me. Not to mention, the monkey friend is trying to molest the duck and me. I find this very disturbing!"   
  
"And this is very disturbing?!" Ron commented, staring at Hagrid.   
  
"RON! That's HORRIBLE! GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!" Hermione screamed at Ron.  
  
"What, I thought that was interesting!" Ron exclaimed, grinning.  
  
Harry shook his head at his friends, and stared at Hagrid.  
  
"I don't know what to do, please help me! Your friend, the Giant Squid," Hagrid finished, ignoring Hermione and Ron.  
  
Dumbledore was silent throughout the conversation, but he had been blushing the whole time, because he had been thinking of his past love, Ms. Duckson. A giant duck as well who could sing and dance to perfection. He always loved people who could sing and dance.  
  
All of a sudden, there was a loud screech… and a giant ten foot tall banana came running out of the castle and suddenly jumped into a boat that had been sitting on the water. When everyone looked at it with disbelief, they realized that it was also the banana that made the unearthly noise.  
  
Lee Jordan suddenly came out of the castle, screaming,  
  
"Has anyone seen my ten foot tall banana?! I can't find him anywhere!"  
  
Professor Dumbledore looked at him and said,  
  
"Now, Mr. Jordan, you know that oversized fruit is not permitted on school grounds. Now you've got the giant squid in a ruffle. He does not take kindly to giant walking fruit!"  
  
Jordan looked out at the lake, and saw that his beloved giant ten foot tall banana was being chased by the monkey, who was momentarily distracted from the giant duck. The giant squid took this opportunity to call his lawyer, who immediately put in a clause in his contract with Hogwarts.  
  
Hagrid was horrified.  
  
"Who let that retched banana out?! I had him with your tarantula!"  
  
"He got spooked! He couldn't handle all the ghosts, so he split!" Lee Jordan exclaimed, close to tears.  
  
Dumbledore immediately whirled into action, shouting out orders.  
  
"Let's call the Ministry and see how they respond to this!" He giggled.  
  
Hagrid and the others simply looked at him, then Hagrid began to bound towards the water.  
  
"Hey, you banana! Get away from my squid!"  
  
"QUACK!" Said the giant duck.  
  
"Nee!" Said the banana.  
  
Both the squid, monkey, and duck shuddered at the utterance of that sound.  
  
Hagrid stopped at the water edge and started to throw the closest things he could find.  
  
Harry was suddenly scooped up and thrown clear across the lake.  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!" He bellowed, hitting the duck straight on.  
  
"Oops! Sorry, Harry!" Hagrid apologized.  
  
Ron fell down in hysterics while Hermione went to the library to look up a book on giant fruit, hoping for a spell to cast it away so that they can take care of the giant duck and the molesting monkey.  
  
While Hermione ran to her beloved books, Harry was making a fateful journey back to the shore. He was hindered by the merpeople and the grindylows. The mermaids tried to sell him as a slave, working the underwater mines. But before they could drag him away, the giant duck saved him.  
  
"Oh, wow thanks! Mr. Giant Duck sir!"  
  
"QUACK!" The duck responded. However, the momentary joy was short lived, for the monkey had realized that there was yet another soul to molest.   
  
"Oh… !$@!@#$" Harry squealed.  
  
"Harry! Watch yer language!" Hagrid danced on the shore. "Dumbledore sir, what are we going to do?"  
  
Dumbledore came up beside Hagrid and began to do a little gig.  
  
"Uhh, what are you doing sir?" Hagrid asked him.  
  
"Calling up the grindylows, you have to dance a little something to please them." He panted.  
  
Before the monkey was able to lay his hairy paws on Harry's precious head, the grindylows pulled him under and quickly dragged him back to shore.  
  
When he was safely on the solid bank, Ron came over and slapped him.  
  
"How was it to be slammed head first into a giant duck? Bet you never did that with Voldemort, you're so lucky, nothing like this every happens to me!" Ron looks enviously at him. Harry punched him in the stomach and they began to roll around in a tizzy while Hagrid began to swim out to save his second love, the giant squid.   
  
The banana got upset at this intrusion and began to thrash about wildly, making a tsunami. The large wave began to swell over the giant beings and the helpless wizards below.  
  
"Don't let my banana get wet!" Jordan shouted.  
  
Dumbledore suddenly realizes, he can't swim.  
  
"Oh, fruity!" He yells, running for the castle. However, he said some naughty words afterwards, making everyone pause to stare at him in disbelief.  
  
"Is that even a word?" Ron asked Harry, pulling his hand from Harry's armpit and smelling them. "Eeew, Harry I think you're unsure!"  
  
Harry responded by saying,  
  
"Well, you shouldn't have your appendages up in my armpit!"  
  
Hagrid had been washed ashore, as well as the other giant monstrosities.   
  
When the chaotic wave had subsided, everyone looked at each other. The giant squid was wiggling helplessly on the bank, the monkey was looking sheepishly at the giant duck, and the giant duck was quacking like mad.  
  
Hagrid began to kick the monkey relentlessly.  
  
"Ahck! Ahck!" The monkey yelped, beginning to run away.  
  
"Hah, hah!" Ron pointed and laughed, watching the monkey run into the Forbidden Forest, where the monkey got lost and was never found again.  
  
The giant squid took the monkey's absence to go beat up the duck.  
  
"Now, now squiddy…" Hagrid scolded. "You mustn't get yourself upset, you know about your heart condition!"   
  
Harry had enough, and began to walk off towards the castle. He was hungry and tired of people and giant things.  
  
"Hey, come back!" Ron yelled after him. "We still have to preen the giant duck! Not to mention make a banana split!"  
  
Hagrid was busy pushing back the squid into the water, while the squid shouted insults at the duck.  
  
"QUACK!" It said, angrily.   
  
Meanwhile, Hermione was still in the library, nose stuck in a book. The only thing that got her attention was when Draco Malfoy suddenly ran into the room yelling how some piece of giant fruit stole his pants. He streaked back out of the room, while Hermione broke out into giggles, looking out the window to see the giant banana trying to put on a small pair of pants. The giant duck and the giant banana were then seized by officials from the Ministry of Magic, Department of Dangerous Magical Creatures. In punishment, the banana was split. The whole school rejoiced at the free dessert, Lee Jordan begrudged all who ate it. The giant duck was sent to Alaska to bother the American squids.  
  
Stupid Americans, hahah.  
  
  
The moral(s) of this story is:  
  
Do not allow giant ducks in a lake with your squid.  
  
Do not mix monkeys with ducks, along with your squid.  
  
Do not allow oversized fruit to run wild, while you have a monkey mixed with ducks and your squid.  
  
Do not remind Harry that he was pelted at a giant duck, he might slap you.  
  
Save yourself from the torture, do not look at Draco Malfoy without him wearing pants. You may need therapy.  
  
And do not let Ron ever stick his hands in your armpits.  
  
  
And thus, the story is concluded, and there was much rejoicing. Yaaaaaaaayyyyy!  
  
A/N: How did you like it? Freaky, no? ::French Accent::  
Please leave a review, we would like to know how crazy you think we are. We get that alot, but that's ok!  
If you want to read something more sane, go read the series from OrcaPotter... she's a little bit more sane, but after contributing to this story, we somehow doubt this now.   
Buh bye now!  
  



End file.
